Sage Advice . . . And Other Stuff

I went to breakfast with Deno this morning.

Since his recent surgeries, it’s sort of become our Saturday morning ritual. I make him buy me a good big breakfast, then he takes me shopping so I can lift all his heavy stuff for him. It kinda evens out.

Being the chivalrous gentleman he is, he absolutely HATES that anyone sees us — him walking along empty-handed while I’m hauling cases of soda and beer and all his groceries along beside him. HATES IT! Naturally, I think it’s hilarious, so I make the most of it, making a big production out of it whenever possible.

Meanwhile, being with Deno is like having talk radio on 14 different channels all at once. He’ll cover 21 different subjects in the space of 7 minutes, then rotate back through the same 21 subjects in the next 7 minutes, picking up on each story where he left off in the first 7 minutes, and this goes on and on and on. He never quits, never misses a beat, never forgets where he was in a story, and never forgets to finish one, even if it’s days later. Hardly any of the subjects are related to each other, and he adds in commentary on things he’s seeing at the moment he’s seeing them, also without skipping a beat or forgetting where he was in any of his other stories.

He can give a complete run-down on the specifics of a vehicle he just saw, such as tire size, engine specifications, and what things didn’t come from the factory, knows exactly what year it is, and all the details about it, and at the same time be telling me about his sister’s current vacation to Florida by way of Alabama, and remembering to tell me something his mother told him to be sure and pass along next time he saw me, AND give running commentary on all the storm damage from last week’s storm as we go by each site. It’s exhausting — for ME!

Oh, and he also gives financial advice, health tips, and sermons, both religious and otherwise, whether you want them or not.

And ALL of it is funny.

So naturally, I collect quotes from it. He goes so fast, I’m sure I miss some of them, but I try to get the best ones as I go. I’d like to share some of the most recent ones with you now. Enjoy . . .

“Every time I drink a beer, YOU need to go potty.”

“I get some whistles now and then — some even from girls.”

“The worst thing you can do when you get in a hurry, is get in a hurry.”

“I feel like a knight without my armor.”

“I gotta do some things in front of her, or she won’t think she’s bein’ nosy enough.”

“I mighta said whorehouse. I don’t think so, though. I thought I said warehouse.”

“Well, I AM the gooroo.”

“It’s a good thing you don’t drink, or you’d just have to sit on the toilet with your bottle.”

“I wouldn’t be good at workin’ the suicide hotline. I’d say: “Please. Put ME out of YOUR misery.'”

“I had a wasp just stroll into the bedroom.”

“If those were my kids, I’d step out for a pack of cigarettes . . . in Manitoba.”

“I am exceeding the speed limit at this very moment.”

Published in: on July 2, 2011 at 9:44 pm  Leave a Comment  

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