Once upon a time, I was married.
My X was “not of this world”, and by that I do NOT mean that he was an angel. (Quite the opposite, really.) I just mean that English was not his native language.
Although I’d like to have myself convinced that nothing good came from the entire experience, nothing could be further from the truth. I have two wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, and very talented daughters, who My Cowboy and I refer to as “The Bling-Bling Twins” (or Kim and Khloe, depending on the circumstances).
That alone would be enough.
But, wait . . . there’s more!
I, at one point, DID have myself convinced that I had absolutely not one single good memory of the entire time. But now, being so far removed from the situation, time has indeed shown me that there are a few tidbits I can still laugh about, mostly regarding his misuse and abuse of the English language, and I’m about to share some of them with you now.
It’s a language that does not contain the letter “P”, so that right there provided lots of entertainment, such as when “I can’t find my billow,” or “I have mud on my bants.” Go ahead, play with that one a while — you’ll come up with some great ones, I know it.
Also hilarious are the new lyrics to certain songs that my daughters and I now sing without fail when we hear them, regardless of what the real lyrics are supposed to be. For instance, have you ever heard the Moody Blues sing “Nineteen White Satin”? An oldie but goodie.
And The Bare-Naked Ladies singing “Pinch Me”, — “I just made you say ‘underwear’ — it’s now forever etched in our minds as “adjust my juicy underwear”. And I’m sorry, but I can’t repeat the revised version of Rick James’ “SuperFreak” in polite company. I’ll just have to let you imagine that one for yourselves.
There were also instances when he would come home from being in town and ask questions such as “Where’s ‘down yonder’?”
But way funnier than that . . .
There’s this family friend named Tony . . . (I am not changing names to protect the guilty here), and during one of his visits, he proceeded to fabricate an elaborate story, to which my X retorted, “Liar, Liar, fire in your pants.”
Tony immediately responded, “As a matter of fact, I DO have a fire in my pants!”
At which point, everyone in attendance screamed with laughter, and naturally, we all repeated this story as much as possible. So, among everyone we know, “Liar, Liar, pants on fire” is now always, “Liar, Liar, fire in your pants”.
While in town the other day, I could see a big fire in the distance, and my sister called me to ask if I knew where it was. I said I couldn’t tell, but I knew it wasn’t our place because I had just talked to My Cowboy.
I had also texted my cousin to ask if he knew, because he’s like the gossip radio channel: “Where’s the fire?”
He immediately texted back: “In your pants?”
I spit my gum across the parking lot.
Before I could text back to protest his insult, I received the next one, sort of apologetic in nature: “I honestly do not know, cuz.”
See? No one can resist it. You really need to try using this one yourself sometime.
And what are “night mirrors”, you ask?
You know, it’s when you have one of those bad dreams that wakes you up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night . . .
I do have to give him a lot of credit, however. If English is NOT your native language, it’s a very difficult one to learn. I know a lot of folks who DO have English as their native language, and still have a lot of trouble with it! And the song lyrics? . . . everyone knows someone who has butchered a song or two, and in our family, my niece holds the record, and we rarely miss any opportunity to remind her of it.