Bovine Hair Styles

Just in case you haven’t been keeping up, and aren’t “in the know” on what’s hip in the bovine fashion industry these days, here’s a little primer on the current popular hair fashions among the coolest members of the cattle population.

We’re using models from Prairie Moon Ranch, fresh out of a rough winter.

Polled (no pun intended) on their tips for the best ways to stay looking good for the ladies while grazing, staying attractive while slobbering, pawing the ground without getting dirt in your intended’s eyes, and how not to sound like a human teenaged male while bellowing, we settled on discussing the current hair fashions popular among the herd, and spoke first with the male population.

Willie insisted on being first, having the burning desire to get in his two-cents worth about the benefits of piercing. He swears that the ladies prefer him because of all his bling, and once they get close, he wows them with his tousled topknot and the long bangs that hang down on his forehead. “It gives them something to chew their cud over . . . ” he says without so much as one hint of shyness.

Playing it cool, Slick says he has no trouble with the female population himself. “Any cow worth her salt block KNOWS that the slick clean look is the way to go,” he states matter-of-factly. Note the shiny neatness and how it extends on down his neck. The girls love it!

Our next model is Dan the Man. Sporting the most fashionable of mohawks, he assures us that he can woo and moo and still never get a hair out of place. He does have a question for us, however: Does it look better from this angle? . . .

. . . or this one?

Dan also insists that Willie ain’t got nothin’ on him — he’s got plenty of bling his ownself!

The younger males insist that tattoos are all the rage. Boots tells us knowingly that “if you wear a cool coat, keep your hair short, and let your bangs grow out so they fall over your forehead tattoo, it’ll drive those young heifers wild!”

Shorty says: “If you’re a redhead, you simply don’t need anything else. But it does help if you keep a sexy scowl on your face. Girls love a mysterious bad boy.”

The women are definitely paying attention!

Next, we asked a couple of the girls what they thought. 

Fancy Pants says: “I’ve found that if you wear a colorful outfit and have a long pretty tail, it just doesn’t matter so much about your hair.”

Ying-Yang and Number Three have differing opinions. Ying-Yang confides: “I keep my do short, almost a crew cut, because it shows off my horns so much better,” adding “Horns are sexy . . . no denying it. A girl’s gotta play up her assets.”

Number Three thinks a little fluff goes a long way. “I’m pretty sure the boys like it when the wind ruffles my up-do. I’ve seen Dan’s lips curl when I walk by. And I’ve heard Slick singing just for me, make no mistake!”

Lucky has no idea what all the fuss is about. “Who cares about hair, anyway? And BOYS?! — blech! I’m never gonna be like that.”

So there you have it . . . straight from the cow’s mouth. The latest news on what’s hot and what’s not. And what’s not? They all agree that the buffalo population just doesn’t keep up. “They’re soooo stuck in the 80’s . . . big hair is just not in any more!”

Festus wants to know when I’ll be taking a survey of fashions in the goat world. “I have horns . . . I even have a beard!”

But really, all I want to know from you, Festus, is why you eat everything EXCEPT what we want you to eat?